Really, honestly, seriously? I can't even believe this right now. I really, really can't.
I love how I was doing so well, at least briefly. No thoughts of him. No wondering what he was doing, not often anyway... And then, of course, today I was chat-chitting with my old youth pastor on Facebook and even HE knew about us seeing each other. He lives in freaking Oregon.
"I was there last month I saw a bunch of people. Missed you though. I talked to Ben Sisson and he mentioned you were hanging out with Ethan. How's that going?"
ARE YOU FREAKING EVEN KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? Really, honestly, seriously.
I shrugged it off. I told Jess and she was like, "You should tell him you guys are doing freaking awesome!"
I hate my life a little bit. More so specifically him.
I'm stuck in a rut. Especially at home. It is so weird here. I hate it. I want school to be over so I can work full time so I can go to freaking Boston. Really, honestly, seriously.
I've been arguing with Devin a lot lately. I dunno why. We were fine all last semester, and we spent far more time together. Ironic, I think. I told him to keep it up and be mean. His birthday is coming up, so I keep threatening him with gift ideas. Haha. I have a really good one and he will feel bad for being such a jerk-face all the time.
Fail. Fail, fail, fail. fmylife.com
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Wicked Witch.
Eh. Just some non-sense. Help me think of a Title.
It was just like any other Tuesday. Woke up, got ready for school, ironed my coat. I remember looking longingly at the coffee pot, wishing it was full of that rich liquid, but it remained empty. No matter, there wasn’t time for coffee. The sun was shining and that was pleasant, though it was rather cold. I threw the contents in my arms into the backseat of my car and waited for my car to warm. Though the sun was shining, there had been a vast amount of ice plastered to my car, and the surroundings near by. It was a little out of the ordinary, for I had never seen so much frost in Southern California before, but once my window had defrosted I ventured on.
I had gone to pick up my counterpart at the usual meeting spot. I, of course, was a few minutes late, but neither of us had paid much attention to it. He gathered this belongings and transferred them from his vehicle to mine. We did the usual good morning routine as we rolled toward the freeway. As we were driving, we noticed the field of ice next to us, and I made a note that it was literally freezing outside of my car. My digital thermometer had picked up our surroundings to be a chilled twenty-nine degrees Fahrenheit. We then managed to fathom a scenario where we had somehow woken up in the Artic and there were galloping polar bears chasing baby seals. Of course there were penguins, and we were teaching them how to fly. Like I said, it was just like any other Tuesday.
Upon our arrival to school, everything was the same. Roll-call every time we went from one place to the next. Chef yelling about various things. Laughter, knives chopping herbs and dough mixers scraping flour filled the room. Nothing unusual. Nothing to make a note of. The delight of consistency was almost comforting. The drive home with my companion was the same; We sang off key a portion of the drive home, and then he fell asleep. It makes me chuckle every time.
Work. I change from my grungy chef ensemble to jeans and a t-shirt. It’s decent work attire for an insurance office. Shuffle papers around for a few hours, while Boss makes random references to quesadillas and the army. My co-workers smile and nod. When he’s not looking, I roll my eyes. I go talk to the girl behind the wall about her day while Boss is in the back. We avoided getting in trouble. It was a decent work day.
Everything was right with the world. Mind you, it’s still cold outside, but it wasn’t intolerable. Brisk, some would say. There isn’t a single cloud out and the sun was high in the sky. It was a good day. It actually was a good day. I had gone home to change into something a little nicer. I felt the need to get one of those fancy, over-priced Starbucks after work. Why, I still haven’t a slightest idea. A Grande Carmel Macchiato for nearly four dollars. I handed the girl behind the register my card in exchange for something I wouldn’t be able to enjoy for at least twenty minutes. Saying thank you, I head out the door. The cool air was refreshing after being in that stuffy coffee house. I fumbled for my keys and headed toward the parking lot. Off in the distance, there was something unusual - something one doesn’t normally see on a brisk Tuesday in So*Cal. It was a tornado. I dropped my drink. Panic was racing through my veins. Before there was even a chance to gasp in awe, the tornado had worked it’s way toward me. It was magnificent, destructive and I had fallen a little bit in love with the sheer force it had. I had never seen such brilliance before in my life.
How could this even be possible? An ordinary Tuesday very literally turned upside down. The winds were intense and thick. It was hard to breathe, let alone move. I shut my eyes as it whisked me upward. It was warm and frightfully calming. Screaming didn’t seem help, nor did crying - My eyes had never been pressed together so tight. I was petrified. It seemed to just carry on its path, no mind to what displacement it had caused. Somehow, I was tangled in this mess, relatively unharmed. Shocked, scared, anxious, but unharmed. We had traveled a good distance, the tornado and I, or so it had felt. I managed to get my eyes open long enough to realize I had no idea where we were. Perchance I had been in this vortex of doom too long to know better, but I was certain that this was nowhere near to where we had begun.
The winds had become more intense. It wasn’t the almost comforting feeling, like it had been when I had initially been pulled upward. It was harsh, and bitter now and I was all the more worried. The cyclone had begun tossing me about as if I was nothing more than a rag-doll. it was hard to breathe before but now it had proven to be a nearly impossible task. The crying came back in a fiercer fashion. I felt sick. I traveled a bit farther in this hellish-storm. The winds slowed down enough to fling me downward against the ground. I tried to catch my breath as a embraced the cement. It was outrageously smooth and an awkward emerald colour. I had never seen ground like this before, or I had hit my head far too hard in the process of coming down. Unfortunately, I had no time to have concern for the flooring. Looking up, I realized that the tornado was not finished with me. When I was up in it’s grasp, I seemed to overlook the debris it had picked up. My body ached as I tried to scramble out of the way for what was spiraling down towards me.
A house. A freaking house.
Could this honestly be happening? I covered my face and braced myself for the impact. All I could think about was the Wizard of Oz. Was I the Wicked Witch of the East? Had I done something to offend the Wizard? Shouldn’t I have at least gotten a memo that my run of the mill Tuesday would end up with a house smashing me into oblivion?
I must have blacked out, because I woke up with shards of house surrounding me. More or less of the house had my body trapped, but I had managed to live. I had never struggled for breath so hard in my life. My body ached. How I wished to be the Wicked Witch, for at least she had died! Never had I been so miserable, so hurt, so shocked. From where I was laying I managed to glimpse [or imagine?] outside of the fragments. The tornado was in the distance, almost mocking me with what it had done. It had grown smaller now, and felt no remorse for the displacement for the pain it had caused.
Eventually I was freed from the disaster. If I recall correctly, I heard a few of the voices saying that their rescue vehicle had died and they needed it jump-started. Just my luck. I supposed it didn’t matter, seeing as I made it out in one piece. Never in my life would I have expected a conventional Tuesday to be the most obscene event of my life.
It still hurts to breathe, but every day gets a little easier.
It was just like any other Tuesday. Woke up, got ready for school, ironed my coat. I remember looking longingly at the coffee pot, wishing it was full of that rich liquid, but it remained empty. No matter, there wasn’t time for coffee. The sun was shining and that was pleasant, though it was rather cold. I threw the contents in my arms into the backseat of my car and waited for my car to warm. Though the sun was shining, there had been a vast amount of ice plastered to my car, and the surroundings near by. It was a little out of the ordinary, for I had never seen so much frost in Southern California before, but once my window had defrosted I ventured on.
I had gone to pick up my counterpart at the usual meeting spot. I, of course, was a few minutes late, but neither of us had paid much attention to it. He gathered this belongings and transferred them from his vehicle to mine. We did the usual good morning routine as we rolled toward the freeway. As we were driving, we noticed the field of ice next to us, and I made a note that it was literally freezing outside of my car. My digital thermometer had picked up our surroundings to be a chilled twenty-nine degrees Fahrenheit. We then managed to fathom a scenario where we had somehow woken up in the Artic and there were galloping polar bears chasing baby seals. Of course there were penguins, and we were teaching them how to fly. Like I said, it was just like any other Tuesday.
Upon our arrival to school, everything was the same. Roll-call every time we went from one place to the next. Chef yelling about various things. Laughter, knives chopping herbs and dough mixers scraping flour filled the room. Nothing unusual. Nothing to make a note of. The delight of consistency was almost comforting. The drive home with my companion was the same; We sang off key a portion of the drive home, and then he fell asleep. It makes me chuckle every time.
Work. I change from my grungy chef ensemble to jeans and a t-shirt. It’s decent work attire for an insurance office. Shuffle papers around for a few hours, while Boss makes random references to quesadillas and the army. My co-workers smile and nod. When he’s not looking, I roll my eyes. I go talk to the girl behind the wall about her day while Boss is in the back. We avoided getting in trouble. It was a decent work day.
Everything was right with the world. Mind you, it’s still cold outside, but it wasn’t intolerable. Brisk, some would say. There isn’t a single cloud out and the sun was high in the sky. It was a good day. It actually was a good day. I had gone home to change into something a little nicer. I felt the need to get one of those fancy, over-priced Starbucks after work. Why, I still haven’t a slightest idea. A Grande Carmel Macchiato for nearly four dollars. I handed the girl behind the register my card in exchange for something I wouldn’t be able to enjoy for at least twenty minutes. Saying thank you, I head out the door. The cool air was refreshing after being in that stuffy coffee house. I fumbled for my keys and headed toward the parking lot. Off in the distance, there was something unusual - something one doesn’t normally see on a brisk Tuesday in So*Cal. It was a tornado. I dropped my drink. Panic was racing through my veins. Before there was even a chance to gasp in awe, the tornado had worked it’s way toward me. It was magnificent, destructive and I had fallen a little bit in love with the sheer force it had. I had never seen such brilliance before in my life.
How could this even be possible? An ordinary Tuesday very literally turned upside down. The winds were intense and thick. It was hard to breathe, let alone move. I shut my eyes as it whisked me upward. It was warm and frightfully calming. Screaming didn’t seem help, nor did crying - My eyes had never been pressed together so tight. I was petrified. It seemed to just carry on its path, no mind to what displacement it had caused. Somehow, I was tangled in this mess, relatively unharmed. Shocked, scared, anxious, but unharmed. We had traveled a good distance, the tornado and I, or so it had felt. I managed to get my eyes open long enough to realize I had no idea where we were. Perchance I had been in this vortex of doom too long to know better, but I was certain that this was nowhere near to where we had begun.
The winds had become more intense. It wasn’t the almost comforting feeling, like it had been when I had initially been pulled upward. It was harsh, and bitter now and I was all the more worried. The cyclone had begun tossing me about as if I was nothing more than a rag-doll. it was hard to breathe before but now it had proven to be a nearly impossible task. The crying came back in a fiercer fashion. I felt sick. I traveled a bit farther in this hellish-storm. The winds slowed down enough to fling me downward against the ground. I tried to catch my breath as a embraced the cement. It was outrageously smooth and an awkward emerald colour. I had never seen ground like this before, or I had hit my head far too hard in the process of coming down. Unfortunately, I had no time to have concern for the flooring. Looking up, I realized that the tornado was not finished with me. When I was up in it’s grasp, I seemed to overlook the debris it had picked up. My body ached as I tried to scramble out of the way for what was spiraling down towards me.
A house. A freaking house.
Could this honestly be happening? I covered my face and braced myself for the impact. All I could think about was the Wizard of Oz. Was I the Wicked Witch of the East? Had I done something to offend the Wizard? Shouldn’t I have at least gotten a memo that my run of the mill Tuesday would end up with a house smashing me into oblivion?
I must have blacked out, because I woke up with shards of house surrounding me. More or less of the house had my body trapped, but I had managed to live. I had never struggled for breath so hard in my life. My body ached. How I wished to be the Wicked Witch, for at least she had died! Never had I been so miserable, so hurt, so shocked. From where I was laying I managed to glimpse [or imagine?] outside of the fragments. The tornado was in the distance, almost mocking me with what it had done. It had grown smaller now, and felt no remorse for the displacement for the pain it had caused.
Eventually I was freed from the disaster. If I recall correctly, I heard a few of the voices saying that their rescue vehicle had died and they needed it jump-started. Just my luck. I supposed it didn’t matter, seeing as I made it out in one piece. Never in my life would I have expected a conventional Tuesday to be the most obscene event of my life.
It still hurts to breathe, but every day gets a little easier.
Monday, February 23, 2009
If you wanna go and take a ride with me...
Oh man. I never realized how much I love Cul kids. We stayed after class helping Kenisha with her cinnamon rolls and we all just kinda busted out in ridiculous ninty's songs. Hey! Must be da monayyy.
Yeah that's right. Haha. :]
Today the sun was shining [for the majority of the day] and that was pleasant. The sun makes me happy. I felt better today. I could breathe. I smiled. I was social. I was sunny with a high of 75. [thank you RK!] It was refreshing. I felt like me. Maybe I can take the band-aids off.
I rode to school with Dev. We talked about how we shouldn't go towards the dark dreary direction, because honestly, who wants to save the princess? There are usually dragons residing over there. We have bizarre conversations, and the great part is we are completely sober. I love it. :] I never realized how close I was with him. I actually told him my stupid story. I've told about four people, cuz it makes me cry. And I almost cried, but totally didn't. I think it was because I had Taco Bell, and that makes me feel better too.
I had a quick wifey with Jaylene today. :] Alisa joined us. Haha. It was delightful. I miss Jay. She had to go to class. Sadness. Alisa and I wandered about RCC, cuz we'd never been on it really. Then we went to the Tyler mall. It was lame and fun? Haha. Go figure.
Baking was boring. Chef Bobby talks. A lot. But he's kinda funny, so it's all good. Then Melissa did the muffin demo, and messed them up. Honestly, how do MUFFINS end up tasting like Corn Bread? Reallyyyyyyyyyy.
I dunno. That about sums it up. :D Smile kids. It's almost Tuesday.
Yeah that's right. Haha. :]
Today the sun was shining [for the majority of the day] and that was pleasant. The sun makes me happy. I felt better today. I could breathe. I smiled. I was social. I was sunny with a high of 75. [thank you RK!] It was refreshing. I felt like me. Maybe I can take the band-aids off.
I rode to school with Dev. We talked about how we shouldn't go towards the dark dreary direction, because honestly, who wants to save the princess? There are usually dragons residing over there. We have bizarre conversations, and the great part is we are completely sober. I love it. :] I never realized how close I was with him. I actually told him my stupid story. I've told about four people, cuz it makes me cry. And I almost cried, but totally didn't. I think it was because I had Taco Bell, and that makes me feel better too.
I had a quick wifey with Jaylene today. :] Alisa joined us. Haha. It was delightful. I miss Jay. She had to go to class. Sadness. Alisa and I wandered about RCC, cuz we'd never been on it really. Then we went to the Tyler mall. It was lame and fun? Haha. Go figure.
Baking was boring. Chef Bobby talks. A lot. But he's kinda funny, so it's all good. Then Melissa did the muffin demo, and messed them up. Honestly, how do MUFFINS end up tasting like Corn Bread? Reallyyyyyyyyyy.
I dunno. That about sums it up. :D Smile kids. It's almost Tuesday.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I have no idea.
Gnarly.
I had a matter of things to discuss, and now I'm terribly tired and can't recall any of them.
I can actually breath better today. The pressure in my chest isn't as bad; I think that is a good sign... Still sucks. Really suckssss.
I had a matter of things to discuss, and now I'm terribly tired and can't recall any of them.
I can actually breath better today. The pressure in my chest isn't as bad; I think that is a good sign... Still sucks. Really suckssss.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Oh, bittersweet irony.
I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky
And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my lord! to suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away
But the water keeps on falling from my tries
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my lord! to suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
A lie to run, it would be a lie
It would be a lie to run away
It keeps on falling
Water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my lord! to suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky
And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my lord! to suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away
But the water keeps on falling from my tries
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my lord! to suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
A lie to run, it would be a lie
It would be a lie to run away
It keeps on falling
Water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my lord! to suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Just to Let You All Know,
My best friend totally owns your best friend in the face.
Even if she is a little skanky.
Just kidding.
I love her more than Taco Tuesday.
Even if she is a little skanky.
Just kidding.
I love her more than Taco Tuesday.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
aslkdjaslkj
I fathomed a whole spiel on my drive home from Riverside and now I don't care to express any of it, though I should.
I cried on the way home from saying good-bye to Matthew. I think we all did. I drove the majority of the drive with my windows down. The cold was refreshing for once, almost calming, until I started shivering so badly I could hardly sit. My jaw aches from clenching my teeth so tightly. Sadly, it was the only thing that kept me focused though. Unfortunate. The silence in the car was unbearable, and the radio noise was harsh. I did hear two decent songs on my venture home. Now, I can't remember the lyrics to the one. Epic failure. My delightful evening ended in a bittersweet fashion.
I find the rain to be ironic. I really am hoping that it's gone by the time I wake in the morning.
This is pitiful. The ramblings in my head were far better.
I don't even care. I hope I remember to print my homework in the morning. Ugh.
I cried on the way home from saying good-bye to Matthew. I think we all did. I drove the majority of the drive with my windows down. The cold was refreshing for once, almost calming, until I started shivering so badly I could hardly sit. My jaw aches from clenching my teeth so tightly. Sadly, it was the only thing that kept me focused though. Unfortunate. The silence in the car was unbearable, and the radio noise was harsh. I did hear two decent songs on my venture home. Now, I can't remember the lyrics to the one. Epic failure. My delightful evening ended in a bittersweet fashion.
I find the rain to be ironic. I really am hoping that it's gone by the time I wake in the morning.
This is pitiful. The ramblings in my head were far better.
I don't even care. I hope I remember to print my homework in the morning. Ugh.
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